How do I use you, internets?

You know, I haven't the slightest idea how to work the internet.
I try: I literally sit around reading blogs about running blogs, I really did do several google and bing searches on the merits of each, and I ask around, god help me, about what the fuck coding and HTML and CSS are. But for the love of shit, man, there are just some things that I cant figure out.

Examples:

• Traffic. This is apparently vital. I will die, and my blog will die, without traffic.
• Coding. What do I have to code? How do I do that? WHY?
• Ads control the internet, and therefore the free world.
• Loyal followers. Who are they? How do I find them? 
• Seriously. Loyal readers. Followers. Where are yall?
• I'd like several million dollars for typing this, please.
• Search engine optimization. That really is a thing.

Life is confusing. But I shouldn't complain, for this has been a learning process.
In the few days that I've been a professional blogger and have been fighting to gain control of the internet, I've picked up on a few things (mostly from my idiot friends):

• Getting people to comment is something that will happen over time, perhaps.
• I will literally spend the rest of my life being a few steps behind on technology lingo.
• Blogs take, like, 10 or 20 years to even WORK. And even then, probably not.
• Bookclubs don't work if the other person doesn't want to have a Jewish Lit Month (ahem, Benito)
• Wordpress? THAT'S HILARIOUS. Pfffffffffffffft. Wordpress. Ha.
• Comment on other blogs to get them to comment on your's
• Traffic is vital: how to actually get traffic, however, is a mystery
• I really want to watch that Traffic movie, with Benicio Del Toro
• It is absolutely unheard of for anyone to use digg, ever.
• No one I know knows anything.
• I remind Benito of Nora Ephron
• Everyone I know sucks. (AHEM, BENITO)
• All of my friends are dumb.
• Uphill battles. All the way.

Maybe things aren't so bleak. I am learning stuff, after all. Shit, I'm even watching a documentary about Caravaggio right now, as we metaphorically speak. And while I'm not taking in a whole lot about the guy's actual life, I do now know how his name is actually pronounced. Maybe.

     Napoli, Italy (where Caravaggio lived and we were both imprisoned), November 2009


So, I propel myself forward with the knowledge that this blog probably won't get any worse, it may get better, and it probably will fulfill my insane and massive need to rant and rave about things my boyfriend really will dump me because of, if he has to listen to it anymore.




So, what, do any of you actually get the internet? Please explain how the cats have come to rule what was once ours, by commenting below.